On knowing

I know a lot about my field. I'll be the first to tell you that I have a lot more to learn, but I have a wide knowledge base, and I'm proud of that.

I think I've briefly mentioned the feeling that I get sometimes, in which I think to myself, "My area of expertise seems somewhat simplistic." I think that because I look back on my engineering classes, and all the things I didn't know then, and I feel convinced that I could teach anyone what I know in short order. But if I really sit down and ponder it, I know that's not true. I know that while perhaps a majority of the concepts related to the nitty-gritty of my job aren't extremely difficult (for example, it's not hard to understand the purpose of most of the hardware involved with stage lighting. There is a lot of it though) and most of the skills are not beyond a precocious high schooler. That being the case, it is a very wide skill set that takes years to accumulate.

I sometimes struggle with the idea that perhaps my profession is below my potential, just because so many of the skills seem so basic. If it wasn't for constant reminders in the form of inexperienced crewmembers, I might forget that it's not inherently obvious what to do with DMX or how it is a gobo functions. I might forget that people won't immediately understand what rotating the lamp/lens of a PAR would do to the light, or why you shouldn't touch high output halogen lamps.

I once tried to teach, in brief, a group of people about the very basics of operating the sound equipment at my college. Twelve seconds into my planned lecture, I realized that I hadn't communicated basic ideas about gain structures and the layout of a sound board that were, in my opinion, vital to any real understanding of the subject. I stumbled through, but it really opened my eyes to the concept of intrinsic knowledge.

I do wonder, though, if an electrical engineer ever feels that he's not living up to his potential? I could convey a lot more about being a master electrician in an afternoon than he could about being an engineer, I think. At least as far as useful fundamental skills go.

Changing Roles

So, as I've mentioned, I am on the road as ME for The 39 Steps.

In my last post I touched briefly on what I believe to be my greatest stumbling block: acting in a supervisory role. In my previous work, it's mostly fallen to me to do the vast majority of the work, from physical to mental. Every time I've been an ME I've participated in a large portion of the hang and focus myself. Don't get me wrong, I've led crews before. I've taught, directed and scolded. But I've never been in quite the position I am now. I hold sole responsibility for the implementation of my show the way it was designed, and to that end I have a number of crew members that require specific direction to accomplish tasks. In order to finish my load in, I simply can not be 'hands on' and do most of the physical work myself. I have time to hang one of my movers, just to make sure the crew knows how. I've got time to demonstrate what I mean by, 'Run the data to that end,' and have to trust that it gets done. I'm learning to be completely explicit about what I need (one day the strobes missed the DMX train, for example, costing me a good ten minutes while I fixed it) and that I can't sugar coat my requests. There simply isn't time.

I have trouble with that. I find it difficult to be stern. It's hard for me to say "This is what I need and I would like it done five minutes ago." Even though I usually actually want it done ten minutes ago, I just feel like such a tool being any sort of 'boss.'

The worst, though, is when I send a couple folks to retrieve circuiting information or to hang a position, only to discover at my next check-in with that crew that what they've done is just wrong. Now I have to be even more stern, and I just hate that. I don't want to be perceived as 'that dick roadie,' because I really don't think I am. It does seem, though, that local crews don't feel the time crunch the same way, and that's a problem. Why should they rush around if they don't know how desperately behind I feel?

Right now my schedule is something like this:

8am - Truck opens and boxes start coming. I know now how I would approach labeling cases, the next time I'm gearing up for a tour. It's not how I did it this time. Hopefully by now I've taped my electrics so the crew can just start hanging once I get the pipe.

10:30 - First break. My goal at this point is to have my fixtures hung and cabled, and the cables run to the distro. At this point I'll set people on getting my atmospherics set up and cabled, and set up my board. This leads into:

12:00 - Lunch. Right now I would be in a great place if I was ready to start focus right after lunch, though so far there have inevitably been problems preventing that. Conventional focus can be time consuming for any variety of reasons, but it's getting better. The majority of my instrumentation is dedicated to six washes, so with a competent crew I can describe the first area in detail and then just focus the hotspot and they'll get the cuts while I get the next light up. Usually the spikes are going down while I start my focus, so when I've finished the FOH washes I can hit the specials on that pipe.

After I finish conventional focus, I have to hit mover focus. I'm getting more confident in this, but a lot of it still comes down to my SM/ASM to tell me where stuff is. I've only seen this show from the front once, during an understudy rehearsal, which is a big hindrance for me. I just don't know what these things are supposed to look like, so I'm doing what I can.

~6:00 - Dinner. I'm getting to the point where my focus is completely done at this point, and now I can check my practicals and presets, and do whatever other pre-show stuff I have.

--

It's a lot of stuff, and definitely the most responsibility I've ever been saddled with. I wouldn't trade it for anything, and I know I've gained a boatload of new skills that will help carry me forward in my career.

I am definitely looking forward to a summer rep season, though.

The now.

I haven't written anything in particular for a while. It's tough to find the inspiration, motivation, and time for writing. I need to have all three at once, and they just don't coincide often. Now, in the steady grasp of sleeplessness, might as well be as good a time as any.

Tonight we're in Brooklyn, with a show at Brooklyn College tomorrow. Our sound tech (who toured with this company last fall) insists that tomorrow will be an excellent crew, and numerous. That's always nice. Today's (Monday?) crew was pretty exceptional. We had already played the space (Strand Theatre, Lakewood) once on this tour, and just last week Encore went through. They're well practiced this year. I think it was the fastest in we've had. The out was up there, too, but I think it was a few minutes shy of the record. I didn't write the record down so it's hard to be sure.

We've only got two more shows this week, and then we're off for thanksgiving until Monday. We'll be spending the break on Long Island, so I might spend some time exploring the city in somewhat greater detail than I have had the opportunity to, so far. So far, in my somewhat limited experience, I do like New York. It's a whole other sort of thing from any of the cities I've spent time in previously. Granted that's not much of a surprise to anyone, whether they've been here or not, but it is significant enough, I think, to be mentioned; even though we all know it already.

The tour is coming, rapidly, to a close. I can't say I find myself disappointed, and if you've read any of my recent writings I think you'd guess that without any mention. I like the idea of being on the road, but I want to be on the road with a show that challenges me, that gives me more than 15 minutes or so a day of troubleshooting, even perhaps a show into which I had some level of input. I know that I couldn't stomach touring forever. It's not the environment I need, but I do like the travel, the seeing of new places.

So where do I want to be? Really with any company that's regularly producing work (New, old, original, rehashed) with a proper creative team (so community theatre is not a great option, in most cases) who is actually interested in expressing something beyond the text. What role do I envision myself filling there? To be honest I think I could be happy in my electrician/carpenter/welder/audio engineer/wizard role from college, or in a more standard ME position, or as an LD, or some blend of all of those. Give me the chance to express myself and to create again. That's all I really want. And probably all I really need.

Taking Wing

I want to ride wings of will. I want to take flight and exist in a state of purgatory, cleansing myself of what I was in preparation for what I am to be.

I want to break out of this cage, this trap for pests and beings without dreams. Bend the bars and slip into a world of possibility and freedom. Step through the enclosure into a field of dreams secured and realized.

Emerge, so to speak, from a chrysalis of my formative years and take hold of my existence, announce myself to the world. I am here, I am ready.

Awash in my responsibility, adrift in my passion. Floating on and endless sea of possibility. See, in the distance, the first true beacon of hope.

Travel the veins and nerves of this country, seeking what I am to be.

Moving forward, free of stasis.

A new light in the sky.

On the horizon, bliss.

Detritus and Inertia

I'm in the middle of moving out of my apartment and back to Logan. My last hope at a job for the immediate present fell through, when Valley Fair amusement park in Shakopee, MN, hired the ME/Electrician spot op position before I received an interview, and filled the audio technician position with a local for the sake of expediency, even after taking the time to interview me.

Anyway. I'm writing about the moving process. It's raining and I'm sitting in Wendy's, hoping that perhaps it might let up (though it doesn't appear that it will) a bit before I return to my endeavors.

Over the years and moves I've accumulated a fair amount of shit. Junk. Crap. I hesitate to throw things away because of some potential future value. I hang on to every little thing, every DC adapter, every piece of electronic junk I might use some day. Tools that are obviously barely functional. Pieces of what anyone else might call garbage that I might one day use to build something.

Well no more. Most of it's in the dumpster already. I'm hoping that perhaps my enforced inertia, my seeming inability to move forward and change my state of being, is somehow connected to this debris of life. Like an emotional and mental anchor, lodging me thoroughly in place.

So by divesting myself of it, of anything not directly connected to my work or my amusements, anything that serves no purpose other than filling a closet, I hope that I cut this seemingly unbreakable tether to the status quo. That I am allowed to rise up like a balloon freed of its ballast,

Can it really make much of a difference? I don't know that I can say, but I know that it's a lot less shit to take back home and store there. I'll be glad to be rid of it. I'll return to logan a few hundred pounds lighter for it, and certainly with less shit to worry about.

I'll keep you posted on whether it affects my inertia.

Working, or not

I've applied to a lot of places recently, and so far have had no real success.

This is tremendously discouraging. I have, in the past year or so, accepted the fact that I really am good at what I do. I think this is a big step for me. I believe it's natural for people to be self-deprecating, to not really believe in their own abilities. It's hard to accept that you might, in fact, be better at something than most (or all) of the folks around you. I would never claim to be the best, there's always someone better, somewhere.

At the same time though, I know I have an expansive skill set. I do electrics and sound, which isn't that uncommon of a pairing. I know lighting is my strongest suit. I'm fast with the hang and focus, I rarely fail to get the board to do what I want when I'm programming, I'm good at dealing with DMX networks. I know electricity, so I can build props or wire up any sort of practicals. My biggest failing is that I haven't got much experience with the latest generation of lighting consoles, or HOG consoles, but that's just from a lack of exposure. I know if I had a few hours with some of this technology, I could be well on my way to proficiency. It's just a matter of exposure.

I know quite a bit about sound, I know that there's always more to learn, but this is another area I've devoted a lot of time to. I understand the equipment and the theory. Again, not a lot of experience with the latest consoles (digital is getting big) but they're not that far removed from their analog brothers as far as the way they work. Exposure.

I'm a capable carpenter, I know that. Working in the shop isn't my favorite thing, but it's something I've been doing just as long as lighting and sound. I'm comfortable in a shop, familiar with any tools you're likely to run into in theatre. I can weld reasonably well, with the two most common processes. I even know a little bit of scenic painting.

You'd think that would make it relatively easy to find a job. That's not the case. I don't know if this recession means more seasoned professionals are vying for entry level positions or what, but even a minimum wage (well, $0.25 an hour more than that) in the middle of nowhere was flooded with applications. And that's one that included custodial duties.

I don't know what I can do to make myself more attractive as a prospective employee, or how to convince people I would really be a positive choice. I almost envy the actors' audition process. It's an opportunity to immediately and without a doubt demonstrate your abilities. I get a page or two of skills and work experience, and hopefully they call me for a phone interview. What good is a phone interview in determining someone's suitability? Everyone's going to give the same bullshit answers about dedication and passion, right?

It's immensely frustrating and I don't like it, no sir not one bit.

jobs

Right now I'm in the thick of job searching. I've sent resumes to both coasts and to more than a few places in between. Until last week the response has been minimal. That is to say, I've received a single email informing me that while the position I had applied for was filled, they would certainly keep my resume on file and contact me if a position opened up in the future.

In the past few days a couple things have happened. First and foremost, I received an email from Shakespeare and Company, in Massachusetts. The email was short, merely stating they had read my resume (which I believe reads quite well) asking if I was still available and interested in working for the company. I sent a resume out in January, applying for a position as ME. Looking back at the job listing, I discovered something that sounded genuinely exciting. The company does a 13 show season across 3 different theaters. The listing states that 'some' positions are summer only. I think I've decided that if the position they've got in mind for me (apparently, that is, why else would they contact me?) goes for the whole season (until next March!) then I'm taking that job, regardless of what else might come up. Excepting something yet more awesome, but what are the chances of that?

I also discovered that First Presbyterian Theater will be creating a position for someone with a technical background. Presumably to handle designs, set building and light hang/focus. The job would pay (not terribly well, but regularly) and offer benefits. This is, I think, a fairly attractive prospect. It doesn't offer the fast-paced, intense theatre environment I really crave. But it would offer a regular paycheck for a few years while I built up a design portfolio. Wouldn't a position of responsibility look decent on a resume, even in a community theater? I don't know.

Now, neither of these opportunities, obviously, mean much until I can learn more about them.

That said, it is a gluttony of choice, which is not something I've had to date.

I feel like I'll end up taking the job in MA no matter what, if it's available. The trouble with the local job is that it's just not theatre up to a level that I can really enjoy. If no one's invested in the show, what's the point?

Lost

I want to lose myself in theatre. I want to leave the stasis of the now. The uncertainty, the boredom, the doubt and the distaste. I want to descend into a maelstrom of activity, a beehive of preparations, of building, lighting, painting, welding, soldering and improvising. There's nothing more appealing than endless hours fighting constraints. Space and time. Pushing against reality to affix in its place one of my own creation.

That's what it's all about, isn't it? Control of our world. Wresting order from chaos, conversely, chaos from order. Imposing the will on the space and time and perceptions of the audience. That's meta. The down and dirty and grittiness of it is the madness of it.

I want to be invested in that. I want to spend all day on it, only to sleep for the briefest of periods to attack the world again the next day.